inside voice

This article details some of the most egregious conversational offences against Folks Who Like to Read (FWLR). (I just made up this designation. Let’s pronounce the abbreviation ‘fowler’, shall we?)

1. All that reading will destroy your eyes.

“No it won’t, not even if you do it in dim light. Says it here too.”


2. You’re going to spend all of your money on books and then you’ll starve and you can’t eat books, now can you.

“Ebooks are very cheap or even free. Plus, borrowing and trading books with other readers. Also: LIBRARIES. To say nothing of freeganism, food banks, soup kitchens, and generous friends and family.”


3. You read books outside of class?

“What’s the alternative?”


4. You read books for fun? What kind of masochist are you?

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”


5. Oh, you read War and Peace? Weeeelllll, guess you’re too smart for me to talk to, huh?!

“Probably.” *walks away*


6. You know, those poor trees would still be on this planet supplying us with oxygen if it weren’t for you and your kind.

“Ebooks. Borrowing and trading books. Libraries.”


7. Why waste time reading books when you could be doing other things?

“Such as . . .?” (or more offensively: “Such as talking to you . . .?”)


8. What are you, some kind of nerd?

“Have you met me?” or “You say that like it’s a bad thing” or “You mean you aren’t?”


9. You’ll have to buy a bigger house to fit all those books he heh heh heh heh heh *guffaw*.

“Ebooks. Borrowing and trading books. Libraries.”


10. You should stick to the real world

“Because that works so well” (or more offensively: “Because that works so well for you”) or “Don’t make me get off this unicorn to slap you.”

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